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Warning: Parents of overactive children may not like this article.

What can you do when your child is hyper, overactive, aggressive or just plain driving you up the wall?

The biggest problem with disciplining children is that the parents, teachers and authority figures must practice discipline, too. If the home environment is loud, chaotic, and inconsistent, the children will respond to that environment by becoming hyperactive or by becoming quiet and sullen.

Many families are missing consistent structure, and parents could use some lessons in behavioral psychology along the lines of classical and operant conditioning. I promise to keep the information entertaining and useful.

Any time you lose your cool, and your kids can tell, they “win” and you are reinforcing the behavior

Classic conditioning is a common culprit. The idea is that any behavior that is reinforced will show up with more and more frequency. Any time you lose your cool, and your kids can tell, they “win” and you are reinforcing the behavior. Likewise, any behavior that you ignore, you are pushing towards extinction.

So, you come home and your kids have drawn with crayon all over the fireplace (yes, that was my sister and me). Normal reaction: flip out, yell and scream and punish like crazy. So the kids think to themselves (unconsciously), “Well this certainly got mom & dad’s attention. I’ll remember that (and use it to punish them when I’m angry).”

Alternatively, you come home and your kids have put away their coats and shoes for the first time since Moby Dick was a minnow. What does dad say? “Wow, you put away your shoes for a change. It’s a miracle. I think I’m having a heart attack.” So instead of getting a reward/reinforcement for doing what you wanted, they get sarcasm or backhanded compliments. The kid thinks, “Well that wasn’t worth the effort. I’ll never do that again.”

Failing to reinforce a behavior you want to see happen leads to its extinction

Finally, you come home and nothing special is going on at all. The kids got B’s on their quizzes, did their homework and didn’t burn the house down. Normal reaction: say nothing. But failing to reinforce a behavior you want to see happen leads to its extinction.

What should you do when your child misbehaves?

The short-term answer is to use some basic psychology.

When the child misbehaves, you dispassionately enforce the rules and consequences (if you are thinking, “Yeah but what are those?” Then read the long-term answer 10 times). Don’t get excited, don’t yell and scream. Be consistent. Even the most stubborn, intractable, horrible, psychotic child does not try to walk through walls; they understand that walking into the wall will always have the same result (“thunk!”). You want to be like the wall, consistent.

“You got an ‘F’? I’m really proud of you because I saw how hard you studied last night, so I know you did your best.”

When the child does something unusually good, make a big deal out of it. Praise is free. Be specific. Don’t say, “Great Job!” Try, “Great job finishing all your homework.” “I love that you guys put away your shoes. Thank you.” “You got an ‘F’? I’m really proud of you because I saw how hard you studied last night, so I know you did your best. When we get your test back, let’s go over it and see what we can do to help you do better next time.” Be sure to read about the power and danger of praise here.

When the child is quietly good, which happens often, don’t take it for granted. You have to reinforce the behaviors you want to see, especially in a troubled child. On what Harry Chapin would call an “any old kind of day” your kid does fifty things right. Pick one and compliment them on it. “I like the way your room looks. Thanks for putting away your toys.” Don’t go crazy here. Notice I didn’t say buy the kid an X-Box 360. What you don’t want to do is replace their internal motivation with reward-seeking motivation. You just want to periodically reinforce the behavior. You are letting them know that you do see what they do right, and you appreciate them for doing it.

You may be saying, “That sounds great for a normal child. But you don’t know my kid. He’s a terror and this will never work on him.”

That may be true. It may also be an excuse for inconsistent parenting or from a genuine psychological disorder (you’ll have to see an expert for that). I can’t tell from here. I can tell you that if the situation is terrible, it wasn’t always that way. It has gotten worse, and it has done so for a reason.

Here is the long-term answer: you have to have a plan.

Some children may be ok with minimal parenting. Others need a great deal of structure. As parents, you have your own comfort levels, which your children are probably walking all over. At a minimum, you need some kind of plan that is appropriate for your child’s age and ability level; one that is written down, signed, and followed consistently.

Here is an example. Darren is 12 years old, an only child, and overactive. He plays online video games like World of Warcraft until 2 or 3 in the morning and is sleeping at school. He doesn’t do his homework consistently, but tests well and so his grades are C’s and B’s with an occasional D or A. He isn’t interested in sports or friends, only in video games and friends who play video games. Any time the parents try to make him do his homework he lies, cheats, steals, screams until the give up. There are shouting matches on both sides about one a week. When progress reports come out Darren is grounded but always manages to hack the family computer and the grounding never really works.

Does it matter that he plays video games? Yes—if it makes him stay up too late, inactive, and antisocial

The parents have to decide, on their own, what they really care about. Does it matter that he plays video games? Yes—if it makes him stay up too late, inactive, and antisocial. Mom don’t care if he plays video games as long as the grades are good, he does some kind of physical activity and he has friends. This is the kind of agreement they might make:

1. The computer/X-Box/whatever is off-limits each school day until homework is completed. If the homework is done with 75% accuracy then the kid is free to play games or do whatever until bedtime. Failure to comply results in the computer being locked away for two days, one week, whatever. Spell out the consequences, and then dispassionately enforce them as needed. Be consistent like the wall.
2. The computer is off limits at 11PM (or whenever bedtime is) every night before a school night and by 1AM on weekend nights. If the child has impulse-control issues or cannot be trusted, then the physical tower (or laptop or console) is removed promptly by the parent and placed under lock and key. Don’t leave it up to temptation. Failure to comply results in the computer being locked away for two days, one week, whatever.
3. Darren must choose one activity like karate, racquetball, tennis or something and stick with it. Family involvement is the best. Maybe Saturday afternoons from 11-4PM is outdoor time, or karate time or whatever. The parents must monitor this. The consequences for skipping this time are that the X-Box 360 is locked away until Darren does 500 pushups or runs/walks/jogs 5 miles. Parents must enforce and monitor this.
4. Once a week Darren gets $20 and chauffer service so that he and a friend(s) (or girl) can go to the mall, movies, beach, park, zoo, whatever, as long as it is social and outside of the home gaming realm. No consequences for skipping this, but parents should monitor if they are concerned that he is isolated.

This can be tweaked to match your family’s situation. The main idea is to have everything spelled out in advance and dispassionately enforce the rules. If rules are totally alien to your family, there will be a challenging adjustment period. In making your family plan, remember:

• Focus only on what is really important. Don’t get nitpicky.
• Keep it simple for everyone to be successful.
• Accept that your child is his or her own person, and leave room for that.
• Give children some control and choice.
• Post the SIGNED agreement on the fridge, bathroom mirror, every bedroom door.
• Remember that you are bound by the agreement, too. If it spells out a reward for a behavior, you can’t take it away for some other reason.

Good Luck!
Allen Dobkin

I blamed Hollywood

The one resounding lesson I took away from my four high school years as a proud underachiever was this:

Hard work is for suckers.

While the “smart” kids were working hard, studying, and doing their homework, I was staying up all night playing computer games (on my Commodore 128, yes I am that old). The homework that I did complete usually came into the world during a horribly long morning bus ride. I graduated with a 3.0001 GPA by showing up and “winging it” on exams. I stayed up until 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning, and slept in all but computer classes. I thought I was better than everyone else. What suckers they were, actually doing their homework. Bah.

I’ve been paying for that mistake ever since.

In real life, the people who are diligent, conscientious and hard-working are the movers and shakers. They are the people who get things done. They are the ones who write a novel every year (I’ve written 0.34 novels in 33 years). They are the ones who finish college in 4 years (I dropped out). They stay in the Navy for 20 years and retire (early honorable discharge here). They are the ones who set—and break—records.

I blamed Hollywood for my lack of follow-through.

It makes sense. You never see the hero of a movie get to the climax and save the day at the last minute by doing six months of hard work. He always saves the day at the last second by being clever: he had a gun taped on his back, or he used *69, or he tricked the bad guys with sleight-of-hand. If there is ever–EVER–hard work, it gets covered up by an 80’s style montage.

So who are you blaming?

Who are you blaming when you complain about “kids these days”? Kids these days don’t know about hard work. They don’t want to learn. They won’t make an effort. They just don’t care. If you haven’t heard or said something like this yourself, ask the nearest public school teacher.

Then along comes Po Bronson (author of “What Should I Do With My Life?”) with a phenomenal article in New York Magazine, “How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise.” You have to read this article. Parents and teachers, this is an order! The article is here: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Read this article. That’s an order!

The essence of the article is this: praising children for being smart, as opposed to working hard and being persistent, stunts their growth. Praising children for making an effort, trying hard and not giving up can improve their performance in school and in life. Children praised for hard work, work even harder. Children praised for being intelligent avoid challenging tasks that might ruin their “smart” self-image. Teaching high school students that intelligence is NOT innate, that the brain is like a muscle–the harder you work it the stronger it gets–raises math scores in underachieving minority students.

My wife is a biology teacher. She doesn’t know it yet, but she will be teaching a segment on how the brain is like a muscle, soon.

Have you read the article yet? What are you waiting for? Go!

It is so easy as parents, teachers, mentors and friends to want to make kids feel good by heaping them with praise. This is a mistake.

“I am smart, the kids’ reasoning goes; I don’t need to put out effort. Expending effort becomes stigmatized—it’s public proof that you can’t cut it on your natural gifts.”

“…for college students on the verge of failing in class, esteem-building praise causes their grades to sink further….”

Kids are wise to insincere flattery–that’ll only work until they’re about 7 years old. Then they can tell when you are full of it. In fact, sometimes kids think that criticism is the real compliment, since the teacher wouldn’t tell you you can do better if they didn’t think you could handle it.

A personal favorite of mine, Nathaniel Branded (of Ayn Rand fame), is mentioned as the father of the modern self-esteem movement. If you’re going to blame anyone for “kids these days”, it might as well be him. He started it, and we as a society ran with it.

There is solid science backing this up (see the article for all those details), and I am a HUGE fan of science. However, the rest of this entry is conjecture.

I look around and hear complaints about “kids these days” and also about “The Greatest Generation.” Could it be that the self-esteem movement was adopted by our social institutions, and propagated throughout the population, and as a consequence we have squelched the stick-to-it-iveness of Generations XYZ?

It makes me think about Everybody Loves Raymond (my brother is Robert to a T. You know this because he will tell you I am Raymond to a T). Frank, the Dad, is a hard-a**. Ray and Robbie have a problem? “Suck it up. Stop crying like a girl.” If ever anyone had no regard for their kids’ self-esteem, it is Frank. I know it is fiction, but it sure seems like The Greatest Generation didn’t molly-coddle their kids, and their kids came out alright. Did their kinder, gentler parenting–served up with dollops of unconditional love and positive messages–squelch the fierce, can-do spirit of their kids?

The (scientific) evidence says that it did. And what worries me is that the positive self-esteem culture is running the show now, and producing kids who don’t care, won’t work hard and just plain old aren’t trying. And I bet a whole heck of a lot of them are getting diagnosed as ADD and ADHD, and instead of getting the training that they need in life, they are getting pills.

On a positive note, this is easy to treat. With just 50 minuts of training, Math scores for underachieving High School students increased in just one semester after a long trend of sliding.

Take up the torch in your home, school, neighborhood and family. This is a vital skill that kids need, can be taught, and will pay off for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t matter who we choose to blame, it is up to us to fix it if it’s broke.

Good Luck!

Allen Dobkin

Yes!  There is new evidence that shows a connection between playing video games performance during simulated surgery.  Write this one down kids: playing video games can make you a better doctor. 

Check out the full article here:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/19/AR2007021900648.html

This comes as no surprise to us here at Sparks of Genius.  We do, after all, use video games to train cognitive skills like attention and executive functions.  For a better description of what we do, check out this page here and the official site, www.SparksOfGenius.com.

If you think that you or someone you know may benefit from Cognitive Training, then click here and take a Free 39 Point Learning Assessment.

Good luck!

Allen Dobkin

It is 7 o’clock and your child still hasn’t done his homework, or taken out the trash, or cleaned up his room. For the umpteenth time, you remind him as politely as possible. He promises to do it before bed.

The next morning undone homework, full trash bins and messy rooms are scattered all over the country, along with fistfuls of parental hair.

Is your kid trying to drive you crazy on purpose?

No. Well, not on purpose, anyway.

A new study reported this week in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology reveals that there is an unconscious, automatic process by which teens—and adults—resist the efforts of people who they perceive as trying to control them. What child or teen doesn’t feel like his parents are trying to control him?

(In all fairness, I found this information at one of my favorite sites: http://www.livescience.com/humanbiology/070214_resistance.html )

All people resist being controlled: kids, teens, adults and seniors.

How many “bosses” does your child have? A child with a Learning Disability (LD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Aspergers Sydrome, or other issues has tons of bosses. Family Therapist, Social Worker, Occupational Therapist, a dozen teachers, private tutors, 1-4 parents, older siblings, School Psychologist, bus driver, you name it! To the child, every one of those people is out to run his life and nobody is asking the question, “Is Johnny having enough fun?”

The study showed that even when there is an unconscious, subliminal connection between a request and a controlling figure, the reactance occurs. Literally, when you ask your child to do his homework, his subconscious turns that into a desire to goof-off!

What the heck can you do about that?

Performance improves when the requestor is seen as wanting the requestee to have fun.

Science to the rescue! If the person making the request is perceived as wanting the subject to have fun, then the reactance is lessened or eliminated.

That is exactly what we are all about at Sparks of Genius!

Our computer lab is called The Playground. We have fun at work. We juggle in groups with our students. We talk about having fun and incorporate as many fun activities into what we do. That isn’t so hard, considering our training consists almost entirely of playing video games. The result? Our students are cooperative, look forward to their sessions, and do not see us as trying to control their lives.

Let your child have more control to lower reactance.

What this means to parents is that if reactance is high in your child, there are two things you can do to ease the tension. First, look for areas in which you can let your child have more control. Give them choices, even if the choices are stacked, like, “Do you want to go out on Saturday and do homework on Sunday, or vice versa?”

Relate requests (what you want) to what your child wants (to have fun).

Second, phrase requests in terms of what the child wants, especially in terms of fun. For example:

“I want you to have fun with your friends and not have to worry about the garbage. Can you take it out now, so you don’t have to remember when you get home?”

“I know you want to play X-Box. I’ll tell you what. Let’s get the dishes done as fast as we can and I’ll extend bed time an extra ten minutes so we can play together.”

Now I know you want to go play pinochle with your friends, but if you practice this skill right now, you’ll have more fun and less frustration.

Get started using this skill right now and save up to $100 per year on aspirin!

Good Luck!

Allen Dobkin

A typical meeting for an underacheiving student looks like this: parents, teachers, student and advisor all come together. They take turns explaining what is wrong with the student. Doesn’t study enough, not paying attention, socializes too much, obsessed with video games, etc.

Here is what you almost never hear at that meeting: what the student is great at, what his or her Spark of Genius is. If the kid is a whiz at computers or drama or sports, the teacher for that subject probably won’t even be at the meeting.

Granted, if the kid isn’t doing his part, he won’t be successful, but it is a very rare child who does not want to succeed in school. He or she may have given up hope that he can, may hide the fact that he cares, but deep down he wants to succeed.

And we, as educators, parents and mentors, often do the opposite of what the child needs.

We assume that the child isn’t pulling his weight, isn’t putting in the homework and study time needed. If we find out that in fact Jimmy is locked in his room four hours a night with 16 tons of textbooks, we then assume that he is goofing off in there, not making a real effort. We say things like, “If only he would study more”, “He needs to study with the T.V. off”, and my personal favorite, “When Jimmy tries, he does great,” which implies that since his grades aren’t great then he just isn’t trying.

Classical conditioning, scientifically validated for over fifty years, dictates that we should do the opposite: reinforce the behaviors you want, and ignore the behaviors you don’t want.

A common reaction to this is that it isn’t realistic, and by itself that is true. The struggling student needs an effective, structured plan. The plan should leverage the student’s Sparks of Genius to overcome weaknesses.

Is the student in love with his computer? Then taking away the computer is cutting his feet out from under him. Is she a Drama Queen (the good kind)? Don’t ban her from the school play, use a Dramatic Format to learn other subjects.

How do you handle effort and improvement? Respond with high praise, even for the smallest successes and efforts in the beginning. If your child makes an effort but fails, and the effort goes unnoticed, the child thinks, “Why bother?” Praise is free! Affection is free! Don’t scrimp on the free stuff.

How do you handle misbehavior? By dispassionately enforcing the guidelines built into your PLAN. No yelling, no screaming, no fighting; those are reinforcers that encourage the misbehavior.

So, if the child wants to be in the school play, but math is in the D-F region, you forge an agreement, like:

You will spend 30 minutes each night before a school day studying math at the kitchen table. The TV and radio will be off (if that is an issue). There will be no phone calls, internet, computer, chatting or distractions. All homework must be turned in on time. You must maintain B’s. If you score lower than a B on a quiz or test, the study time goes up to 1 hour, with a ten minute break, and you must stay after school three times for tutoring. You can miss two study sessions per month. If you miss more than that, you will be removed from the play without exception.

The agreement is put in writing and signed and posted on the fridge, the bedroom door, the bathroom mirror and the front door. Every time the child fulfills their end of the bargain, give heaps of praise and encouragement. That is what keeps them on track.

When they mess up, and they will, don’t get upset, or emotional or take it personally. Dispassionately enforce the agreement. Don’t let them get your goat.

Even the most stubborn, obstinate, disobedient child does not try to walk through walls. He understands that the wall is there and he has to deal with it. He tries to walk all over you because he has been able to do so in the past. When it comes to negative behavior, be as consistent as the wall, especially when you feel like beating your head against it.

Sincerely,
Allen Dobkin

The #1 question I am asked when I tell people that I work for Sparks of Genius is, “What do you do there?”  I usually respond that we reprogram students’ brains by having them play video games just by thinking about it. 

That’s a pretty good answer, and it certainly got me excited when I read about Dr. Kessler’s work in the Sun Sentinel in July 2006, but it isn’t exactly enlightening.  There are a lot of misconceptions, such as: this is only for kids, this is only for kids with ADD or ADHD, this is experimental, etc.  (You can get more info here: www.SparksofGenius.com)

Sparks of Genius is a Peak Performance Training Program

In reality, Sparks of Genius is a Peak Performance training program.  Peak Performance means that if you are performing in any arena at any level, you can kick that up to 9 or 10 out of 10 with cognitive training.   Adults or kids, athletes, students, learning disabled, anyone.  Well, your head does have to fit in the bicycle-helmet, brain-scanner setup so you can play the games, but you get the idea.  The helmet has sensors in it that scan your brain and allow you to interface with the games.

It is only because of the strong demand that we wind up with a predominance of underachieving students.  Really, Sparks of Genius is for everyone.

How do we create total transformation?  Through the 9-5-4 Program.

There are 9 Intelligences: Verbal, Mathematical, Spatial, Musical, Kinesthetic, Interpersonal, Intrapersonal, Spiritual and Naturalist.  Schools only care about one or two; Sparks of Genius taps into all 9.

Increase three or more [Cognitive Skills] and you’ve got a Total Transformation.

There are 5 Cognitive Skills: Attention, Memory, Learning, Thinking and Processing Speed.  Increase one of these, and you increase cognitive ability.  Increase three or more and you’ve got a Total Transformation.

Finally, there are 4 Executive Functions: Organization, Planning, Prioritizing, and Decision-Making.  These are higher-order functions and essential for long-term success.

Students come to us, go through fancy, high-tech evaluations, and Dr. Kessler puts together a customized work-out regimen that plays on the student’s strengths and pumps up the areas that are weakest.  2-3 hours per week on a home computer, plus an hour in our high-tech, high-touch playground is usually all it takes.  The results last, and they generalize to school, athletics, home, and the social realm.

Sparks of Genius is exciting.  We’re at the cutting edge of educational technology.  Sparks of Genius moves so fast our students have to wear a bicycle helmet!  =)

So there you go.  That’s what we do.  See you soon.

Allen Dobkin

The New York Times has a great article about parenting as an alternative or supplement to therapy for Children’s Mental Disorders.  What I liked about the article is how well this idea applies to the families we work with every day here in Boca Raton, FL.  Take a look.

Parenting as Therapy for Child’s Mental Disorders

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?sec=health&res=9506E7DC1131F931A15751C1A9609C8B63
“But like most other parents, the couple preferred to avoid drug treatment, if possible. Instead, with the guidance of psychologists at the University of Buffalo, they altered the way they interacted with Peter and his younger brother, Scott. And over the course of a difficult year, they brought about a transformation in their son. He still has days when he gets into trouble, like any other 10-year-old, but he no longer exhibits the level of restless distractibility that earned him a psychiatric diagnosis.
”People are so stressed out, and it’s so much easier to say, ‘Here, take this pill and go to your room; leave me alone,’ ” Lisa Popczynski said….”But what I would say is that if you are willing to take on the responsibility of extra parenting, you can make a big difference.”

The way families interact can bring about a transformation in a child.  The catch is that the transformation can be a good one or a harmful one.  A chaotic, confrontational home life can cause any child to develop attention and behavior issues.  Children with Learning Disabilities, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Aspergers syndrome (commonly misspelled Aspbergers or Asbergers; humorously as Assburgers) are especially sensitive.
The lesson here, I think, is that regardless of what treatment plan or educational plan is in place for a child, a faster, greater, longer-lasting transformation can be achieved if an emphasis on improving parenting is made.

Parents face a real challenge in altering their parenting styles to suit their individual children.  Here are some suggestions that may help:

1. Make the decision to ignore harmless “odd” behavior.  Save your energy for the situations that count the most. 
2. Cut yourself some slack.  Make time, as few as ten minutes a day, to sit quietly in a still room and relax with deep breathing. 
3. Avoid anxiousness-generating thoughts.
4. Phrase requests in terms of what your child is really interested in.  They may not care about school or homework, but they’ll climb the walls if they miss their favorite TV show.
5. Keep the focus on empowering the child to get what they want.  “You better do your homework or I’m going to take away your computer,” doesn’t work for a child with attention issues.  He or she just can’t keep that thought in mind.  Instead, try, “As soon as your homework is done, you can watch TV.  Isn’t your show on in half an hour?  Let’s get started.”
6. Children with Attentional issues need lots of reminders.  Post reminders all over the house: on doors, the fridge, bathroom mirror, backpacks, etc.  Use checklists to empower the child to responsibility.
7. They will get off-task.  Practice judgement-free redirection.  “Quit goofing off and do your homework,” is harmful.  “Focus on your homework, please,” or “Only 15 minutes until your show is on.  How’s that homework coming?”  Try not to take it personally: your child really wants to do well, they just need help.
8. Don’t react to negative behavior.  Ignore what you want to go away, and praise like crazy when they do something you like. 

Feel free to chime in with your own suggestions. 

Good luck!
Allen Dobkin

Welcome to the Sparks of Genius blog. Births can be messy, and some a little dangerous. We’ll do our best to make sure that this one is neither.

This blog is the public forum for the Sparks of Genius team. You can learn more about us by clicking the Meet the Team tab above. We’ll be posting all kinds of helpful information for our students, potential students and their families. Anyone who is involved with ADD, ADHD, Asbergers, Mild Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI) or Peak Performance will want to stay tuned.

You may have read the article about us in the Sun Sentinel back in July (2006). It was nice to get some recognition, but more importantly the explosion of interest in our work made it clear that we need to be doing more to get good information to the public.

What we do is take children and young adults, we put them in a funny helmet with electrodes and wires connected to a computer. Then we force them to play video games for hours at a time. Okay, I’m exaggerating a little. But here is the cool part: they play the video games just by thinking about it. The power of their thoughts controls the game. It is amazing.

Yes, this the same type of technology NASA uses to train their Astronauts (in my world, Astronauts get capitalized).

Curious? Read this article.

Here is a great little article from one of my favorite websites, www.LiveScience.com : http://www.livescience.com/humanbiology/051123_thought_bouncer.html

We’ll be posting tons of information about ADD, ADHD, Cognitive Training, Attention Training and the like. We plan to update at least once a week.

There–that wasn’t so bad. And we didn’t even need an epidural.

See you soon!

Allen Dobkin